I originally wrote this blog post in 2007! A lot has changed since then! I have changed since then. So, I took a lot out, edited some, and added in some new comments to try to show some of the spiritual growth I've experienced in the past few years. Certainly haven't reached "perfect," by any means, but I can definitely tell I've grown! :) This blog post is an attempt to illustrate the blend of who I am as a daughter of God and who I am as a pensive writer.
Stories have a way of wrapping around your life. How many times does this happen when you watch a movie that has a good story? You watch a good movie and for days afterward, you keep thinking about the story in the film or you may even start thinking parts of the movie are/were real in your own life. Your mind tries to assimilate the story from the film into the story of your life. Many authors, endowed with a talent that some folks fail to understand, manage to be both mentally and socially removed from society while sprinkling their stories (fictional or non) into the flow of civilization until someone comes across their words and realizes "this author is telling exactly my life story without even knowing it" or "this author knows me without really knowing me".
What I am trying to say is that many writers know people, and yet they often struggle to relate well to people in person. Writers have an understanding that can be projected through beautiful, poignant language and their stories can produce the perfect description of what a reader says "that is exactly how I feel!" Writers have this understanding, but many of them have a distance or disconnect in their personality that prevents them from maintaining the same social norms as the average person.
So, curiously, even being a writer myself, I have found certain writers who know some about me. For example, the screenwriter of The Green Mile knew me when he/she developed the character John Koffee...a character who passionately and intensely senses and feels the pain others are going through. There are so many times when my empathetic, justice-loving, hyper-sensitive-to-my-surroundings personality intensely relates to John's explanation to Paul (the guard taking John to the execution chair) about why he's ready to go:
Paul Edgecomb: On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of his true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job?!?
John Coffey: You tell God the Father it was a kindness you done. I know you hurtin' and worryin', I can feel it on you, but you oughta quit on it now. Because I want it over and done. I do. I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand?
Paul Edgecomb: Yes, John. I think I can.
This is a more poignant example, but it is among many other examples in which I feel the writer knew me so well that he/she was able to write me into the story without ever having met me.
I do often find whispers of my self in other writers' stories. As a writer, I know that they have as much to offer me as I have to offer with my own writing. Because they have put their stories out there, I have found them, and the effect of dominoes does not allow me to ignore the fictional versions of myself and my life story that I find in other writers' stories.
I once read a book that very accurately spoke the thoughts of my heart at the time; I had thought that this book came closest to revealing to me my Fictional Self. The book is called The Thirteenth Tale, by Diane Setterfield. Looking back at it now, I still think it is an intriguing tale with a few whispers of my self in it, but as time changes, so do I; there are parts in the book that I can vividly remember relating to but that are from previous chapters of my life. My first interest in this book lied solely with the fact that it was a story within a story within a story involving an author writing about a biographer who writes about an author. Complicated enough, as it were, but the very words spoken by the secondary main character (Vida Winter, the author about whose life the biographer is writing) are the same exact sentiments that I once felt. A few years later, it is even more remarkable to see changes in myself. Those previous chapters of my life were indeed comprised of my fictional self -- my self before I truly started learning how to perceive my identity through Jesus Christ.
Imagine speaking a different language than everyone around you: even your closest friends, family, and loved ones do not understand you. You used to be able to communicate with them when you were younger (more innocent and carefree), but now you cannot communicate with anyone. You speak an entirely different language for which there is no known or available translator. You speak a language that no one in the world understands. Somehow you have to live, don't you? You have to communicate certain things in order to survive in a society that doesn't have a clue what you're saying. Pause for a moment to think of all the times you communicate with others and imagine how hard it would be to communicate if the best you could do to communicate is point, nod, or shake your head. Imagine for a moment that the language you speak is one that is so complicated for even you to speak that it would be impossible to teach it to anyone else. Imagine living your life like that -- how alone and frustrated you would feel. Yes, the entire example is symbolic, and it may sound ridiculous, but that is how I often felt in the past (and even still often feel now). Much of this has to do with my personality...my "nature."
I do often feel like I speak an entirely different language than anyone else I know, and it often leaves me feeling alienated and lonely. It is something I have to fight against on a daily basis - something I can only do with God's help! In previous chapters of my life, I used to find various means to communicate, such as creative writing - narratives; now, I find myself in a place where I have hardly written anything in three years and in those years, I have been learning to work through the power of Jesus Christ to communicate better. Perhaps these past few years have been the bridge of "silent writing" that connects two very different parts of my life, and perhaps I'm going to start a new chapter of writing that is closer to what God intended for me.
Now the next best thing I can think of to share with you are quotes from the book The Thirteenth Tale that perhaps I spoke out from the pages in sync with the author, Diane Setterfield. I have typed up these quotes in order as they appear in the book. These quotes struck a cord with me in some form or fashion back when I read the book, but I have gone back and added my comments in italics under the quotes to indicate what I think about them now. It's amazing how Jesus Christ can change you. When I originally wrote this blog, I included these quotes (and some others that I have removed) to illustrate "who I am," but now, as I read back through them, I see many of them through a Christ-perspective while a few still innocently illustrate parts of "me." Oh dear, I hope I'm making some sort of sense!
"Don't you think one can tell the truth much better with a story?" - Vida Winter
Perhaps. There is a place and time for things, but I must also remember: "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." - 1 Corinthians 10:23
"I would sooner not tell you. But I have promised, haven't I? The rule of three. It's unavoidable. The wizard might beg the boy not to make a third wish, because he knows it will end in disaster, but the boy will make a third wish and the wizard is bound to grant it because it is in the rules of the story..." - Vida Winter
I see this as more of a statement about writing stories; though it is a free-flowing art form, there are still rules and reader expectations to consider.
"I'm sorry [...] One gets so used to one's own horrors, one forgets how they must seem to other people." - Vida Winter
I might replace the word "horrors" with "daily struggles" or something like that.
"I shall start at the beginning. Though of course the beginning is never where you think it is. Our lives are so important to us that we tend to think the story of them begins with our birth. First there was nothing, then I was born...yet that is not so. Human lives are not pieces of string that can be separated out from a knot of others and laid out straight. Families are webs. Impossible to touch one part of it without setting the rest vibrating. Impossible to understand one part without having a sense of the whole." - Vida Winter
"A birth is not really a beginning. Our lives at the start are not really our own but only the continuation of someone else's story." - Vida Winter
Interesting perceptions in these last two quotes...and they're true, really. They make me think about how very connected we always remain to our parents, no matter how old we get and no matter how long they've been gone.
"Twins, always together, always two. If it was normal in their world to be two, what would other people, who came not in twos but ones, seem like to them? We must seem like halves, the Missus mused. And she remembered a word, a strange word it had seemed at the time, that meant people who had lost parts of themselves. Amputees." [...] "Of course all amputees hanker after the state of twinness. Ordinary people, untwins, seek their soul mate, take lovers, marry. Tormented by their incompleteness they strive to be part of a pair." - Vida Winter
Another way of looking at it is that amputees are those who are lost, not having entered into a relationship with Jesus Christ. They do indeed strive to be part of a pair somehow, but they continue to be tormented by incompleteness until they become as one with Jesus Christ.
"What I didn't know - and this was more than curious - was what the storyteller thought. In telling her tale, Miss Winter was like the light that illuminates everything but itself. She was the disappearing point at the heart of the narrative. She spoke of they; more recently she had spoken of we; the absence that perplexed me was I. What could it be that had caused her to distance herself from her story in this way?" - Margaret Lea
Though I rarely follow through, I often find myself wanting to distance myself from life's difficulties by writing a narrative that mimics the situation I'm in and ultimately expresses my thoughts and feelings since I so often hold these back from people in real life.
"My study throngs with characters waiting to be written. Imaginary people, anxious for a life, who tug at my sleeve, crying, 'Me next! Go on! My turn!' I have to select. And once I have chosen, the others lie quiet for ten months or a year, until I come to the end of the story, and the clamor starts up again." - Vida Winter
True, true of all that I muse! The only difference is that the imaginary characters wanting life have to wait much longer than a year for me to get around to it! :)
"She [the girl, a child] is someone I used to be. That child ceased existing a long, long time ago. The person you see before you now is nothing." - Vida Winter
I would more likely end this quote by saying "The person you see before you now is one who fervently desires to turn her existence back into innocent childhood."
"When one is nothing, one invents. It fills a void." - Vida Winter
For me, it would be better to say: "When one is nothing, one turns to Jesus." and "When one is hungry for something new, one invents. It is the only thing that satiates that hunger." Not a short quip like Vida Winter's but truer for me nonetheless! :)
I do often find whispers of my self in other writers' stories. As a writer, I know that they have as much to offer me as I have to offer with my own writing. Because they have put their stories out there, I have found them, and the effect of dominoes does not allow me to ignore the fictional versions of myself and my life story that I find in other writers' stories.
I once read a book that very accurately spoke the thoughts of my heart at the time; I had thought that this book came closest to revealing to me my Fictional Self. The book is called The Thirteenth Tale, by Diane Setterfield. Looking back at it now, I still think it is an intriguing tale with a few whispers of my self in it, but as time changes, so do I; there are parts in the book that I can vividly remember relating to but that are from previous chapters of my life. My first interest in this book lied solely with the fact that it was a story within a story within a story involving an author writing about a biographer who writes about an author. Complicated enough, as it were, but the very words spoken by the secondary main character (Vida Winter, the author about whose life the biographer is writing) are the same exact sentiments that I once felt. A few years later, it is even more remarkable to see changes in myself. Those previous chapters of my life were indeed comprised of my fictional self -- my self before I truly started learning how to perceive my identity through Jesus Christ.
Imagine speaking a different language than everyone around you: even your closest friends, family, and loved ones do not understand you. You used to be able to communicate with them when you were younger (more innocent and carefree), but now you cannot communicate with anyone. You speak an entirely different language for which there is no known or available translator. You speak a language that no one in the world understands. Somehow you have to live, don't you? You have to communicate certain things in order to survive in a society that doesn't have a clue what you're saying. Pause for a moment to think of all the times you communicate with others and imagine how hard it would be to communicate if the best you could do to communicate is point, nod, or shake your head. Imagine for a moment that the language you speak is one that is so complicated for even you to speak that it would be impossible to teach it to anyone else. Imagine living your life like that -- how alone and frustrated you would feel. Yes, the entire example is symbolic, and it may sound ridiculous, but that is how I often felt in the past (and even still often feel now). Much of this has to do with my personality...my "nature."
I do often feel like I speak an entirely different language than anyone else I know, and it often leaves me feeling alienated and lonely. It is something I have to fight against on a daily basis - something I can only do with God's help! In previous chapters of my life, I used to find various means to communicate, such as creative writing - narratives; now, I find myself in a place where I have hardly written anything in three years and in those years, I have been learning to work through the power of Jesus Christ to communicate better. Perhaps these past few years have been the bridge of "silent writing" that connects two very different parts of my life, and perhaps I'm going to start a new chapter of writing that is closer to what God intended for me.
Now the next best thing I can think of to share with you are quotes from the book The Thirteenth Tale that perhaps I spoke out from the pages in sync with the author, Diane Setterfield. I have typed up these quotes in order as they appear in the book. These quotes struck a cord with me in some form or fashion back when I read the book, but I have gone back and added my comments in italics under the quotes to indicate what I think about them now. It's amazing how Jesus Christ can change you. When I originally wrote this blog, I included these quotes (and some others that I have removed) to illustrate "who I am," but now, as I read back through them, I see many of them through a Christ-perspective while a few still innocently illustrate parts of "me." Oh dear, I hope I'm making some sort of sense!
"Don't you think one can tell the truth much better with a story?" - Vida Winter
Perhaps. There is a place and time for things, but I must also remember: "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." - 1 Corinthians 10:23
"I would sooner not tell you. But I have promised, haven't I? The rule of three. It's unavoidable. The wizard might beg the boy not to make a third wish, because he knows it will end in disaster, but the boy will make a third wish and the wizard is bound to grant it because it is in the rules of the story..." - Vida Winter
I see this as more of a statement about writing stories; though it is a free-flowing art form, there are still rules and reader expectations to consider.
"I'm sorry [...] One gets so used to one's own horrors, one forgets how they must seem to other people." - Vida Winter
I might replace the word "horrors" with "daily struggles" or something like that.
"I shall start at the beginning. Though of course the beginning is never where you think it is. Our lives are so important to us that we tend to think the story of them begins with our birth. First there was nothing, then I was born...yet that is not so. Human lives are not pieces of string that can be separated out from a knot of others and laid out straight. Families are webs. Impossible to touch one part of it without setting the rest vibrating. Impossible to understand one part without having a sense of the whole." - Vida Winter
"A birth is not really a beginning. Our lives at the start are not really our own but only the continuation of someone else's story." - Vida Winter
Interesting perceptions in these last two quotes...and they're true, really. They make me think about how very connected we always remain to our parents, no matter how old we get and no matter how long they've been gone.
"Twins, always together, always two. If it was normal in their world to be two, what would other people, who came not in twos but ones, seem like to them? We must seem like halves, the Missus mused. And she remembered a word, a strange word it had seemed at the time, that meant people who had lost parts of themselves. Amputees." [...] "Of course all amputees hanker after the state of twinness. Ordinary people, untwins, seek their soul mate, take lovers, marry. Tormented by their incompleteness they strive to be part of a pair." - Vida Winter
Another way of looking at it is that amputees are those who are lost, not having entered into a relationship with Jesus Christ. They do indeed strive to be part of a pair somehow, but they continue to be tormented by incompleteness until they become as one with Jesus Christ.
"What I didn't know - and this was more than curious - was what the storyteller thought. In telling her tale, Miss Winter was like the light that illuminates everything but itself. She was the disappearing point at the heart of the narrative. She spoke of they; more recently she had spoken of we; the absence that perplexed me was I. What could it be that had caused her to distance herself from her story in this way?" - Margaret Lea
Though I rarely follow through, I often find myself wanting to distance myself from life's difficulties by writing a narrative that mimics the situation I'm in and ultimately expresses my thoughts and feelings since I so often hold these back from people in real life.
"My study throngs with characters waiting to be written. Imaginary people, anxious for a life, who tug at my sleeve, crying, 'Me next! Go on! My turn!' I have to select. And once I have chosen, the others lie quiet for ten months or a year, until I come to the end of the story, and the clamor starts up again." - Vida Winter
True, true of all that I muse! The only difference is that the imaginary characters wanting life have to wait much longer than a year for me to get around to it! :)
"She [the girl, a child] is someone I used to be. That child ceased existing a long, long time ago. The person you see before you now is nothing." - Vida Winter
I would more likely end this quote by saying "The person you see before you now is one who fervently desires to turn her existence back into innocent childhood."
"When one is nothing, one invents. It fills a void." - Vida Winter
For me, it would be better to say: "When one is nothing, one turns to Jesus." and "When one is hungry for something new, one invents. It is the only thing that satiates that hunger." Not a short quip like Vida Winter's but truer for me nonetheless! :)
